Teen Stress and Anxiety

Why learning to fail is as important as success

Dateline Portland, Oregon--Amelia J. Wilcox, Ph.D.: What happens when we raise kids who are not afraid to make mistakes or fail? Can we let our kids fail when we ourselves fear the stakes are too high?

Learning to fall down:

My most vivid memory of the first time I got on skis was of my ski instructor teaching us how to fall. Over and over again, we fell into the snow. It seemed to go on forever. I was impatient to speed gracefully down the slopes, and what we were doing made no sense to me at all. But then we started down the gentle bunny hill. And we started falling for real. I still didn’t get it then, but I sure do now—I’d learned to fall down, so I wasn’t worried about it happening. I knew I could fall safely and without dire consequences. You could argue that practicing falling made me less likely to, but I wasn’t ever a terrific skier so I doubt that is true. Practicing falling did, however, make me looser and more confident on my skis. It allowed me to focus on having fun and learning some skills.

I was raised in a time when school and the school day belonged to students and teachers. Parents were less likely to intervene when something didn’t go just the way it was planned. I was also fortunate to have a wise mother who knew age-appropriate challenge and struggle to be essential to growth. And she was on-point when things didn’t go the way I hoped they would. She sat me down one day after a particularly upsetting test at school and told me, “Honey, you’ll learn far more from the things that don’t go well than you ever will from the things you sail through.” She made me feel I was fine, and she made the process of growth so much less daunting because of her approach. She’s been right over and over again.

Learning to fail in today’s world:
I try to remember this when I see my own teen heading into a rocky patch. I try to recall that day—and the many other times and situations in my life where I have practiced falling down or taken real tumbles. I try to keep in mind that having difficulty and learning from failing is actually good.  

But I also recognize I was raised when college applications did not typically include a 4.0 GPA, let alone a GPA above that number. Parental pressures are different now. And our kids have somehow become a social mirror of our own success in a way kids of generations past were not. These things contribute to today’s parents having a harder time allowing natural lessons to occur in the lives of their children.

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But just a thought about raising kids who are not afraid to fail: If you can do so, you get something wonderful as a result—a kid who knows to try another approach when a first, or second, or even third effort fails. A kid who isn’t afraid to stick his or her neck out and try new things. A kid who’ll decide in her senior year of high school that she DOES want to be in some plays—and then get herself cast. A kid who’ll decide that he wants to buy a canvas and some paints and see what happens. Maybe he’ll discover a love of art that will be a lifelong passion. Maybe he’ll consider it an interesting experiment and leave it aside for something else, but he won’t be afraid to try for fear of not succeeding.

Failure, success, grit:
The other day I heard the story of how micro-surgical procedures were developed for the eye. Suffice it to say, it took the pioneer responsible for this bold discovery decades to get it right. He failed over and over again during those years. But every time he did, he learned something new about what he was trying to do—simplify cataract surgery. And now what was once a lengthy procedure requiring a hospital admission takes 20 minutes in an outpatient surgical center. That is grit and determination. That is a great example of someone who did not fear failure. 

Common factors: What makes psychotherapy work?

Common Factors in Psychotherapy

There are many reasons why therapy is helpful. A fresh perspective, particular skills, expertise in the various things that ail people…all of these change agents make sense. But research suggests that these skills are not in and of themselves the true mechanisms of change in psychotherapy.

In fact, there is an overarching set of factors that create the benefit in psychotherapy, pathways that are common to all established psychotherapeutic models. They work precisely because humans are social, and psychotherapy heals through social contact.

According to researcher Bruce Wampold (2015) the common factors of psychotherapy can be understood as the development of a relationship, the creation of expectations of change and the establishment of health promoting behaviors.

Relationship: Wampold reminds us that the first order of business in psychotherapy is the establishment of relationship and the exploration of the therapeutic alliance. This bond is critical, and takes time, but some of it happens very quickly and to some extent outside of our conscious awareness. How? The same way it does in any other arena of life—we rapidly and implicitly take in style of dress, mannerisms, voice quality, even office décor and use these things to make judgments and the critical assessment of goodness of fit.

In my professional judgment, the relationship between therapist and client is perhaps the most critical feature of treatment. It is a human connection, and just as we don’t connect with everyone we meet, we cannot expect to connect with every psychologist. For this reason, I always encourage new potential clients to interview several people when choosing a psychologist.

Expectations: Wampold tells us that a person’s expectations for treatment have a huge impact on treatment outcome. Sometimes people arrive with a ‘last ditch’ attitude, the sense they’ve tried everything else and, having reached the bottom of their personal barrel are now subjecting themselves to the scrutiny of a stranger. Other times, people arrive with an expectation that together with their psychotherapist they’ll explore what has and has not worked in their lives, and come up with new solutions to old challenges. Perhaps these people are arriving with similar challenges—they are likely to have very different notions about what psychotherapy is about.

I firmly believe that we as a species are growth oriented, even when demoralization has led us to forget that fact. I also believe that people’s symptoms are not just signs of problems, they are representative of best efforts at coping and change. I think goal setting is critical to progress in treatment, and a collaborative effort that clearly places the locus of change where it belongs—in the middle of the treatment alliance, surrounded by the tasks and rituals of psychotherapy.

Tasks and Rituals: And what are the tasks and rituals of psychotherapy? That very much depends on the nature of the problem, the individual’s goals, and the background of the clinician. Regardless of the details, each task of therapy is focused in one way or another on what Wampold calls “salubrious actions.” The treatment alliance allows trust, and gives a person room to think about his or her world in new ways, to consider thoughts and feelings from a different point of view, to experiment with new ways of being in the world and to collaborate with the trusted other on the mechanisms of change.

But the heart of the entire endeavor is the treatment relationship. So when you are looking for a psychologist, consider goodness of fit as carefully as you do any other quality.

Wampold, B.E. (2015). How important are the common factors in psychotherapy? An update. World
       Psychiatry, 14(3).


One effect of meditation on the brain

Dateline, Portland, Oregon--Amelia J. Wilcox, Ph.D.: Mindfulness-meditation is getting serious attention from scientists and consumers alike. Businesses are including it in their benefit packages, elementary schools are recognizing its power to improve classroom atmosphere, and psychologists are incorporating it into many treatments for conditions such as stress, anxiety and depression, pain management and insomnia. How, exactly, does it work on the brain?

Master meditators:
A number of years ago, psychologist and neuroscientist Richard Davidson began to look at meditation. In an effort to gain a clear picture of its effect on the brain, body and psyche, he went straight to the master-meditation source, Tibetan Buddhist monks. Monks in this tradition work for decades to become fully skilled in meditation practice, and they demonstrate the many positive effects of leading a life of contemplation. Monks are capable of a quality of focus, clarity, emotional control and mastery over bodily experience most of us would probably never expect to have in our own busy lives.

Can average people gain meditation’s benefit?
Davidson wondered whether some of the benefits of mindfulness-meditation practices could be taught to ordinary people with busy and stressful lives, and if so, whether the people who mastered basic skills would have a different experience of their world. To explore his idea that meditation might change people’s lives for the better, he brought a simple meditation training course to busy US executives. Eight weeks later he compared them to a matched sample of executives who had gone about life as usual.

Neural findings and experiential changes:
Davidson’s findings were powerful. EEG and fMRI data demonstrated that those who were taught simple meditation techniques shifted brain activity from parts of the brain associated with hypervigilance and stress toward brain regions associated with more positive mood states. Meditators in Davidson’s study also demonstrated improved immune response, when compared to those who were not taught simple meditation techniques.

What happens in the brain when we meditate:
Decades ago, neuropsychologist Donald Hebb coined the phrase neurons that fire together wire together. Some years later neuroscientists Per Andersen and Terje Lomo did basic brain research that led to the discovery of long-term potentiation, the scientific observation of Hebb’s neuropsychological theory. What does this have to do with meditation? Neurons that learn to fire together are developing habitual patters of action that have behavioral, emotional and learning correlates. As this applies to meditation and the frontal lobes, specifically, the meditating brain increases left prefrontal activation. With repeated practice, this activation becomes easier to produce, because healthy and functional neural pathways are created in the brain, and are strengthened and reinforced through meditation exposure. This is but one example of what is likely to be happening when you sit down to meditate.

Anecdotal reports:
Theory or practice, most people I know who make meditation part of their lives have a great deal to say about its positive impact on their mood and stress levels. And the research seems to back them up—indicating regular meditation may have powerful effects on a host of symptoms that are accepted as part of being alive in a stressful age.

People flock to yoga studios and meditation retreats in order to capture some of the effects in their own lives. But research indicates that even a few minutes a day spent in meditation, even if they happen while sitting at your desk, waiting in the carpool line or just before taking a big test in school, can lead to improvements in attention, concentration and clarity, and an improved sense of well-being.

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Getting started:
How do you get started? There are countless meditation apps available for your smart phone. Find one that works for you and see how it goes—keep a journal to track your progress. See what happens when your neurons fire together and wire together.